Thank you for being so patient with me. I know many of you are eager for me to update, and I'm certainly excited to get to writing again.
This past month and a half was the worst of my life.
No joke, no exaggeration.
It was like life decided to shit on me. Read on if you want details. If you don't, skip to the bottom.
Earlier in February, just a few days after Valentine's Day, my ex contacted me (Ironic, huh?). Our relationship... well, it's complicated. We broke up over four years ago, and I thought that I had found my closure. But, really, I was just so angry and frustrated with him that I left without a worry or care, simply happy to be free. Now, however, four years later, having a real conversation with him for the first time unearthed a lot of long-buried emotions. The worst of it is that he refuses to talk to me again. Apparently, his life went to shit after we broke up, and he's feeling regret over what he did to me -- I found out recently that he cheated on me during those last few months of our two and a half year relationship. I was upset by that. It seems really trivial that I would be feeling the way that I do four years after the fact, but emotions are fickle, and our relationship was so incredibly complicated. This entire fiasco has had depressive effect on me.
Just a few weeks after my ex contacted me, my boyfriend and I experienced contraception failure. Freaked me the fuck out. I took the morning after pill, like, half an hour after it happened (it was really awkward because he was on duty that night, so we had to find another RA in the dorm to hold the phone while we drove out to a 24-hour Walgreen's to buy Plan B -- luckily, I have one really good friend on his staff, so I rapped at her door and she was awake and really supportive). This is the primary reason why this past month has been the shittiest of my life. My menstrual cycle is also longer than the average woman's at 35 days, so I'm still waiting for my period. However, I used a pregnancy test just yesterday (about four days after my period was supposed to arrive), and it was negative (at about 99% accuracy, much less). I am so, so, so, so, so relieved. I'm still waiting for my period, but I'm sure the pill coupled with my anxiety has royally fucked up my cycle, so I'm not going to worry too much.
My mom has been ill for a while, and she was going to study abroad with me this summer in Taiwan, but my plans were shot since her condition is worsening. She wanted to come with me so we could take cooking classes together; besides I need her as a tour guide because my Mandarin reading abilities aren't up to par. :-/ Now it's a little late to find an internship, so I just need to look for jobs this summer.
My dad is on the brink of losing his job. He works for a pharmaceutical company that might be shutting down. No one really knows for sure -- the other locations across the country have been shut down already, so everyone working here is paranoid. Because my mom is so sick, she won't be able to work. My 19 year old brother has multiple disabilities so he can't work, and my other brother is still 13 and in school. I don't know what we'd do if my dad lost his job.
One of my best friend's mom was diagnosed with cancer. My boyfriend's grandfather passed away. I have another really good friend who is having transgender issues; in the past few years, she has resorted to self-injury, drinking and thoughts of suicide. And as the result of all of this crap, my grades have been slipping -- this is even more upsetting because I really do care about how I do in school. I need to keep it above a 3.5 to stay in honors and above a 3.0, I believe, to keep this scholarship that I was awarded for performance. ;_;
On the positive side, things are getting better. I just can't wait for this year to be over. Hopefully, I can get a job or internship this summer because I really need that help financially -- it will be my fifth year here at the university, so my scholarship expires. I'm on the hunt for jobs, internships, or scholarships that I can apply for.
I want to write. So badly. ;_; I should be updating within a month and a half -- maybe sooner.
I will, however, be updating a like a maniac this summer whenever I do get the chance.